12 weeks

i worry constantly. is this going to make the child neurotic too? probably. i won't rest until i know he or she is safe. at this early stage, though i am still getting used to no aperitivo after work, no sharing fantastic bottles of wine over romantic dinners in strange and new cities with my love, no staying out late, and no more being irresponsible; i am getting used to the idea that i am going to be someone's mom. i want to teach him/her everything there is to know. i want him to be curious about the world and go out and conquer it and save it. i want her to be the strongest woman she can be and never back down from a challenge. and most of all i want to hug her and kiss her and make her feel safe when she is scared. i want him to know that no one else on earth loves him like his mom and dad love him.

in the meantime i worry. we have accepted the doctor's offer to be guinea pigs in a project making a video of the growth and development of a child inside the woman. i am ecstatic. this means i get to see the baby even more often and learn things about him or her that perhaps any other mothers might never know. papa' approaches the situation with trepidation. his love for me perhaps has allowed him to accept this adventure that perhaps he might have shyed away from.

let's keep our finger crossed and get some food. i am starving.

a new day a new life

with every new day we are offered new opportunities and new ways to live life, to appreciate it, to enjoy it. on oct 17th, after a roller coaster 24 hours of fighting and loving, i took a pregnancy test. as i saw the second pink line come into view, my life flashed before my eyes. this, is what i had wanted since i met him- the biological need to re-create had gotten the best of us- but it scared the hell out of me.

since that night, life has been filled with joy, fear, happiness, anger, tears and love. i wanted it to happen but could/can hardly believe it is happening. kind of like when something else major and life changing and positive happens and kicks you up a notch into a world you always imagined but only in the present reality find yourself in.

when i look back, my adult life has been one risk after