back to work

almost a year after i left my job to be with you, i am going back. it seems crazy and logical simultaneously. i can't imagine not being with you all the time, i need you as much as you need me, but i also can't imagine not using my brain for a few more years. it will be rough on you, especially now at the beginning, but i am taking a risk that it will be a positive change for us all and also have a positive effect financially that will give you opportunities for the future that perhaps before were just a tad out of reach. you already feel the wind of change wafting through the house. our habits have changed and you have started orientation at daycare. you aren't in the slightest bit used to it yet but you are showing signs of interest. singing songs that i am not familiar with and listing the names of the other kids in your class. it is now december 30th and you have been going to school for a good three weeks. the last two have been crazy with christmas and family coming to visit from all over the world. though you are clearly tired, you have been awesome. last night you put on a show for your uncles, aunts and cousins even though you were bordering on narcolepsy while doing it. i miss you though, i miss having you all to myself. i have given you away to the world and you are beginning to embrace it, ever so slowly. i have the day off of work today but took you to school anyway; at the behest of your teachers who think you need as much structure as possible in order to get used to school as quickly as possible. i'm still sorry to have to leave you there and everyday i still beat myself up about the decision i've made. i'm not sure whether it was my own guilt or the guilt trip nonno gave me last night (telling me 'give the poor kid a day off tomorrow')but leaving you today was particularly hard. it seems like a crime to be at home without you, but I am doing a ton of housework that i never have time to do. i'll just keep reminding myself that all of this is for you.