decisions decisions

eva has been sick for a month now which is making my decision easier and easier to make. her first real sick day coincided with my first day back to work. just my luck. it kills me to hear her cough and cough and cough and to see snot running out of her nose like an open water faucet. though it may not be the most rational of reasons to use to quit one's job, it certainly backs up my thesis statement: 'i don't want to watch my daughter grow up from the sidelines.'

i have beaten myself up for weeks and finally came to the decision when she started doing these horrible body-shaking coughs. i repeat: it may be faulty reasoning because i cannot keep her from getting sick her whole life but to see a four month-old (my four month-old) so miserable breaks my heart. i have asked every question possible and weighed all of the options. i read somewhere, 'if you choose to be a stay at home mom, stick with it and never look back. you'll never regret it.' the affirmation gives me some sort of solace but at the same time, i am not looking to be betty crocker (as my mother puts it). i just need more time with my daughter so that I don't feel like she is just a pet that i feed and dress and have an hour's worth of interaction with each day.

moms

At age 4, we think: Mom knows everything! At 8: Mom knows a lot! At 12: Mom doesn't really know everything . At 14: Mom doesn't know anything. At 16: Mom doesn't exist. At 18: she's old fashioned. At 25: Maybe mom does know about this! At 35: before we decide let's ask mom. At 45: I wonder what mom thinks about this ? At 75: I wish I could ask mom about this.

week 1 completed

week one of work-daycare-crazyness is over. i am no more closer to an answer than i was 8 days ago.

as luck would have it, eva picked up a mean cold in my last week at home and so max had to stay at home with her my first two days of work. it hurt much less to know that they were home together. coming home those two days was a treat- seeing my two favorite people in the world laughing and playing together (snot dripping out of one of their noses). then wednesday, thursday, and friday: it was almost as if i could convince myself that i was making the right decision, while i was in the office that is. then, as i got off the bus each day (on friday i took a cab because i couldn't stand the thought of getting there a minute past 5 and i had left work 10 minutes later than the days before)i found myself practically running to the daycare while asking myself what the hell i was doing leaving her alone. now it is sunday night and taking stock of the weekend i realize that i am no longer in sync with the little one, the way i was when i wasn't working. we spent all day together and i was responsible for her in every way and i knew her inside and out. now she is between worlds- the daycare and home.

oct 8 2010