June 15th

It is the night before your first birthday. I never imagined the rush of emotions I am feeling now, and just found myself crying with you as you fought falling asleep for the 364th night of your life.

Today you were particularly cuddly and needing me. At Mommy and Me, you didn't want to play much and preferred to sit with me or be held. Nonno came over in the afternoon, he brought your birthday gift. As I opened it, I started to get teary-eyed, just couldn't help it. You didn't want Nonno to hold you, again you preferred to just sit with me. You were tired and cranky and usually things that don't bother you, bothered you times a million.

It was a strange day. I have so much hope for you, Eva. I want you to be many things, but most of all I want you to be happy and have a good relationship with your mom and dad. I hope someday you understand how much we love you.

June 10th

You rode a tricycle at mommy and me, for the first time. We went to the ear-nose-and-throat doctor for me only to find out that what was wrong with my ear was treatable with something that looked like a caulking gun and not antibiotics. We went to Nonno's house to brainstorm more birthday party ideas and went into the backyard to look at your pinwheel. After trying to lovingly destroy the pinwheel, you tried to eat a rock. Luckily Nonno and I got to your mouth in time to stop you from fully swallowing it and you only ate a little bit of dirt.

June 6th

June 6th started out just like any other day, in fact, it was the same as any other day except for just after dinner time. I showed you the photo album with the pictures from your first few weeks of life and when you decided halfway through that you no longer wanted to look at it, you kicked it out of my hands. I had pms that day, so this upset me quite a lot. You kicked hard enough that one picture fell off its page. I 'punished' you by putting you in the playpen while I glued the photo back in place. I calmed down, picked you up and told you not to kick anymore. I took you to your room to get you ready for bed. I noticed that you need a pedicure while changing your diaper and so when I finished with it, I went to cut your toenails. You kicked me in the jaw. This really made me upset and it hurt. I put my hand on your stomach to keep you from falling from the changing table and crouched down so you couldn't see me, and let the tears flow. You heard me though, and you started to cry too. I stood up again and tried to cut the nail that needed cutting and you kicked again. I lost it, and said in the most stern, calm, mean voice I could muster up 'stop kicking.' You froze and started to cry again. I finally finished, picked you up and hugged you and tried to explain that kicking is not ok. You are a baby, you don't know and can't be expected to know these things, but I lost my patience.

Luckily, Daddy came home soon after and we all got in bed to read a book together; and we were starting to feel better. When we finished, you crawled across the bed to me and laid down in my lap and put your hand on my leg. It was the first time ever that you showed affection to me all by yourself, without any one asking you to 'hug mommy, kiss daddy, fai caro al orsacchiotto'. It was the most amazing thing- on the same list of amazing things that includes you being born. I rubbed your back and cried quietly for the beauty of the moment, and smiled through tears at Daddy. I didn't want it to end, but after two or three minutes it was.

Needless to say, I felt like a sack of sh#? for having lost my patience with you, but this is not only your first time being a baby, it is also my first time being a mom, so we both have a lot to learn.

Ice cream, birds, and grandparents, oh my!

Last week you tried ice cream for the first time. the flavor was fior di latte, as directed by the doctor. It was sweet and milky and you liked it but you were shocked by its coldness. You have never eaten anything so cold. For about two weeks now I have been telling you about hot and cold. Obviously, given the safety hazards, you are more familiar with cold and lukewarm.

So your first ice cream is checked off the list. You also met your first bird. She is a pet of a friend and you stared at the cage intently, trying to put your hands in of course, but once she jumped from one bar to another you were no longer interested in putting your hands anywhere near the cage! You were scared. No more cute little birdie; heck, you didn't even want to walk past her after you figured out she was alive.

Grandma and Grandpa will be here in eleven days and I am so excited. If you were a bit older, I think you'd be excited too. Your first birthday too is coming (which is the occasion for their visit) and I can hardly believe that a year has passed since you came in to the world. It has been a year full of mostly ups, but months 4-6 were difficult since I was at work and you were constantly sick. Now, we are home together and I am glad for it. I have watched you grow and change and develop and I am so happy to have had the opportunity. I, like any parent, think that you are amazing. You personality is slowly trickling out of you, and the dam is soon to break. You learn new words everyday and your steps are becoming ever more sure. I'm not sure when you'll let go though, you seem to use our fingers for psychological support rather than physical support. You hardly need to hold them but when we try to take our fingers away, you immediately plop down on your bum. So we'll wait and you'll do it when you are ready. Milestones come and go so quickly, so I want you to depend on me as much as you want for whatever you want.

So the countdown begins...11 days to Grandma and Grandpa and your 1st birthday party.