trevi fountain

Everybody hurts

I recently read a quote from someone famous that went something like this: be kind to each other, we are all hurting, some of us are just better at hiding it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am in no way capable of hiding how I feel or what is going on in my life. Of course, I don't go around crying on strangers' shoulders, but nevertheless I'm not one hold back in the presence of people whom I consider friends and family. I hope you turn out tougher than me...

bonjour

in hopes that your academic career will start in french language i have started exposing you to little french things...the other day i told you that bonjour was the same as buongiorno and good morning.  you repeated it back to me with a glint in your eye, as if you were saying something fantastic and fobidden. i also told you how to say 'my name is eva.' you giggled with delight as we repeated it over and over ' je m'apelle eva.'

days passed and we were at nonno's house for dinner with zio sadik, zia monica, and tami. as the table hummed with chatter you realized that you were not the center of attention. and so, to bring all of our attention back to you, you yelled out ' bonjour! jempel eva!' the table was aghast. daddy and i exchanged a quiet look of pride, zia monica's jaw dropped and tami said, 'nooooooo!' incredulously. a huge smile spread across your face.

you are a most clever little bugger.

a day in your life

so many things are happening in the world on this ordinary day. it is 4:30 in the afternoon, i am on the bus, coming to get you from school. as i ride the bus though, this country that we live in continues to deteriorate.  many say that italy has fallen from grace and it is true.  though i can't remember when life in italy was good. maybe we have to go back all the way to the roman empire? even then there was poverty, slavery, and corrupt politicians whose ends were purely selfish. i'm not sure that this low point in italian history is a even a point at all. it seems to me more of a never-ending slide down hill; where the only people who don't continue towards the bottom are those who climb on top of others to save themselves. i don't see this as a reversible process. Italian culture surely has its positive aspects but the negative ones will not soon change. i came to this country for all of its beauty, but the older i get, the uglier it becomes.  This may all sound depressing, but any immigrant could probably write these same lines about their adopted country.

it is inevitable that the older you get, more of the world reveals itself to you and you find that it isn't all that pretty. as a 30 something and your mother, i am now trying to pick through the reality that has always been around me to find the bright spots.  you are one of them. your innocence and unbounded love for those around you  give me hope. the world's financial crisis, climaxed in 2008, is still making us all feel its weight four years later; the civil war in syria that is killing thousands a day; the dishonesty and self-serving of politicians in Italy and all over the world are only some of the things that  could make you think the world is caving in on itself.  though we live in a country where a civil society barely exists we are fortunate to live in a nice home, have nice jobs and enjoy family and friends. take heart in these things when it seems like the world has been turned upside down.

sept 21

today, where the power of chemistry ends, love takes over.

august 21st

on august 21st i got a phone call from tami and zia moira, they were at home with you while daddy and i were at work. you were wailing in the background and i knew that what we had thought was a bladder infection, was real.  i raced home from work to bring you to the doctor. zia moira came with us for moral support.  the doctor on duty was not your regular doctor but rather one some years my junior with a brusk but endearing bedside manner.  you cried and cried becuase you are afraid of the doctor's office but  she sort of ignored you and continued to talk to me.  the end result was that you had to give up a urine sample for an office test for a urinary tract infection.  i was dubious that i'd be able to get you to do it. but amazingly enough, in  that small doctor's office bathroom you let your pee pee go-most of it on the floor but enough landed in the urine sample cup to be able to do this test.  the doctor confirmed the diagnosis but instead i was elated that you had made such a big step.  you felt my positive vibes and pranced around the doctor's office while she wrote a prescription for you.  when it was time to go you even wanted to go back in to the exam room to say thank you and bye bye to the doctor- a completely new notion for you.

when we got home...zia moira took you into the bathroom. what she said or did i will never know, but from that afternoon you haven't wet yourself since. on friday it will be exactly a month without diapers and i think you couldn't be happier. you are a fashion plate and so wearing different colored underwear everyday is exhilirating.

you have a lifetime to live ahead of you but it seems like you are already such a big girl.

august

between your vacation from school and my crazy august, i've spent so little time with you in the last month that some times i feel like you already don't need me anymore.  maybe, when you are older, you'll have have the cold as ice 'difidente' attitude that i once had (between college and meeting daddy). in some ways i hope that you don't have to learn to protect yourself in that way but on the other hand i don't ever want you to hurt.  surely daddy will always be better at expressing his emotions than i will be. don't feel put off by it. i want you to grow up as a strong independent woman whom, in the company of people you truly love reveals a deep profound spring of love. know that i love you more than i know how to say. i hope that you never feel alone in the world. you have so many people in the world already that love you and you are only 26 months old. and, i humbly hope that while you have a grandmother, two aunts and two cousins, sometimes you think of me when you need a shoulder to cry on. i will always be here for you.

i love you, pumpkin.

school's out for summer

the feather incident

yesterday, you wanted to ride your tricycle. daddy and i gave it to you for your second birthday, you rode it once about twenty feet and decided you didn't like it. huh.

yesterday after almost two months you became interested again. you went out on the balcony, i cleaned off the seat and handlebars, but just beyond your trike was a bird feather. you said ,'mommy, fuzzy, i don't like!' i played dumb to see if you would just let it go but, you didn't want to. you yave an incredible fixation with bugs, fuzzies, lint, flies, mosquitoes and any other small unidentified objects. you are scared of them and i don't know how you got that way. i try all kinds of things to help you get over the fear but it doesn't seem to work.

so the feather. you kept pointing to it and groaning abd finally i gave in pretended to have finally seen what you were seeing. i told you it was a feather, and before i could explain what a feather is, the wind picked up and the feather was lifted into the air, flew right past your face and into the house (though i did not notice until later).  You screamed a very loud, high-pitched, terrorized scream and jumped into my arms. I tried to explain that there was nothing to be afraid of but you sobbed and squeezed my neck tighter. I explained that the feather came from a birdie and you didn't have to be afraid of it. You buried your face further between your arm and my neck and got quiet. We must have sat on the kitchen floor for at least a half hour after the feather incident, you breathing softly but holding tightly and me playing with your hair looking out into the street and the setting sun. It was relaxing just to sit together quietly. I was sad for you but I also reveled in the fact that I can comfort you. I can make everything all right.

i love you my girl.

now, almost a week after the feather incident you look for feathers everywhere and when you see them on the ground you step carefully around them saying, 'yucky feather yucky.'

it is hard to watch you be afraid of such small things, i forget that you are still only 2 and your world is much smaller than my big one.  i suppose it is best that i protect you as long as i can from the really big bad stuff and let the small things run their course. not only are you sensitive in your own right but you notice the changing moods of daddy and i, and try to console us when we are sad or give us kisses and hugs when we are all in happy moods. you are an incredible little person, don't let the feathers get to you.

uncle kevin and zia cristina

uncle kevin and zia cristina have been married for about 10 days now. the wedding, or rather the four-day long celebration/weekend get-away in Tuscany was fabulous and I already miss the commotion that only the Graham family can create. Grandma said at one point that having us all together in one place for this short time was on the same level as watching one of her four sons get married. both you and i cried profusely during the wedding mass: you, because you were over the heat and the dress, and the strange new faces and surroundings; me, because well, I am sap. Every time I saw Cristina turn her head and look up at Kevin, smile, and take his hand, I could have used an entire box of tissues had we not been in front of so many people. It was beautiful, and confirmed for me that through all of the rushing here and there of daily life, love really is out there in the world. (great, starting to get choked up again) so, as i mentioned, you were not the happiest of girls during the mass but when we finally got to the reception at the castle, you were all smiles and the center of attention. it takes an army to entertain you. good thing grandma, grandpa, uncle jeff, uncle brian, uncle david, maira and manuel and tami and alessio were present along with daddy and me, to stimulate you. you started off the reception by unknowingly becoming the center of attraction when you danced with the wedding singer. the crowd loved you. when she put you up on a table you knew something was amiss and started calling for me. after that, was food, fun, family, and dancing the night away. granted not everything turned out absolutely perfectly, daddy and i never got to dance together, i would have liked to have taken more pictures, and you didn't hang out as much as I would have liked you to with Grandma and Grandpa. my favorite moment of the whole day though, was the lighting of the chinese lanterns. The wedding singer asked for ten couples to volunteer and so Daddy and I went along with Grandma and Grandpa and Tami and Alessio. We were given paper lanterns and lighters, ours was blue and the others were all the other colors of the rainbow. Uncle Kevin and Zia Cristina had a white one. The lanterns were to have represented all the hope and dreams of the newlyweds. Daddy and I set ours off and it flew into the sky with the others- it was a magical site and I couldn't remember the last time Daddy and I felt such childish wonderment. Grandma and Grandpa's went up too and they also had happy grins across their faces. The hundred or so people there on the grass in the dark watched the little lanterns fly up and over the surrounding trees, get swept away by the wind, and then die out miles away in the dark. It was an unexpected romantic and wonderous activity to take part in. All in all it was an amazing day and I am happy for my big brother, Uncle Kevin, and our new Zia Cristina.

and then you were two

your second year has flown by even faster than your first. it is still hard to get my mind around the fact that you are still so new to the world, yet it seems that you and daddy and i have always been together. i made my first cake for your first school birthday celebration last night. it felt satisfyingly maternal. earlier in the day though i had berated myself for being a terrible mother because i had forgotten your doctor's appointment earlier in the week. if there is one thing that you'll find out about me in the course of our lives it is that i am emotionally unstable. learn to deal with it. :-)

tomorrow is your second birthday and you are well aware of it. i have made sure of it. i love celebrating birhdays. i love celebrating everything. and i hope you will too. we'll do our saturday morning routine as usual but with a birthday twist and then we'll have lunch out with nonno,zia, zio and tami followed by cake and presents at nonno's house. i am so excited!!!!!

here you are as a young jedi knight who just took a bath.

pigtails

a day on which you looked particularly damn cute with pigtails.

mother's day

a forced ( by me of course) mother's day lunch at the beach in fregene. this year was even more fun than last year, mostly because the two people responsible for making me a mother love each other so much.

on the 60 to villa paganini

today was not the first time you'd been on the bus, but it was the first time that you were aware enough not to like it. the last 24 hours with you has been dramatic: you fell and skinned your knee at the park yesterday and then made a scene at a restaurant last night that prompted daddy to tell us we had to go home, i hadn't even eaten yet; this morning you and daddy were not too sure of each other...so i thought a nice bus ride in which we sang the 'wheels on the bus' would brighten up your spirits but alas it did not. you sat on my lap the first few minutes silent, observing (i took this as awed entertained silence) but when i asked if you liked the bus you replied, 'NO. No like the bus!' the last two words turning up into a screeching yelling noise. I started to sing and you calmed down but remained silent. At one point we had slid down in the seat so much I sat up and readjusted us and our bags, which coincided with a bus stop: the doors opened and you gave a loud and genuine 'YAY!' and clapped your hands. No on on the bus was amused or looked at you (maybe that was the real offense)and I didn't stand up to get off the bus, so you were dejected and let out a little whimper. I told you that we'd be there soon. The sun beat in to the bus onto our arms and faces, on this, one of the first warm days of spring. You said to me, 'pickey up' but being on the bus, I couldn't, so you nuzzled into my chest to avoid the sun from the window and fought sleep for the next ten minutes. We got to our bus stop and got off the bus. You immediately started singing when we got out on to the street (a sign that you are tranquilla and serena)and we started to walk, (or rather I started to walk). I asked you several times if you wanted to get down or hold hands but you shot me down every time until we got to the park. My arms and back are still exhausted. The park, Villa Paganini, was beautiful. I have passed it everyday on the bus since Daddy and I have been together and always wanted to go there. Since you came along, i have admired the slides, swings, and climbing toys always wondering when I'd get to take you there. though the trek to get to the park was not simple, you thoroughly enjoyed yourself. there was a little pond with an island and a bridge going to the island. the toys were no match for the bridge: we went over the bridge at least ten times. each time you got a little more daring, not holding my hand or the railing, or running down each steep side. there were pigeons galore to chase, dogs to watch and other children to avoid (you seem to have an aversion to children your age or smaller than you). and then after a bit, magically, daddy and nonno showed up. and so, there we were: your three parents. on this sunny beautiful day, you romped in the grass with nonno, tried to chase some pigeons on your own and observed the other children around you, never getting too close. i hope we'll get to go again soon, since nice parks are so few and far between in Rome.

things not to forget

when eating, you start with the fork/spoon but soon get frustrated or bored with the time and precision it takes to carefully load the food and then not let it fall on the way to your mouth. you start to use your fingers instead. when i remind you to use your fork/spoon and not your fingers...you pick up the food with two fingers, deposit it on to the fork and then put the fork in your mouth. then you look at me and smile and mumble something that resembles 'use your fork not your fingers.'

Spring

Through the April showers come, April flowers??? Here you on a recent Sunday morning trip to the park...

easter

easter family photo

say cheese!

your first on cue smile...

february 20: butterfly, or are they fairy, wings and the tears of your first carnevale

in the last week or so you have become more affectionate than ever saying 'amore mommy' and running to me to give hugs. there is nothing else on the earth like your hugs. i no longer have to show you how to wrap your arms around me or daddy, now you know. you throw your arms around my neck, my waste, my legs and nuzzle your head between my legs. the leg hug is one of those things that i have always wondered about, 'would you do it too, just like other kids i've seen?' it turns out that you do it better than anyone else.

yesterday i dressed you up for the first time for carnevale. instead of being you're everyday princess, i chose 'forest fairy' for you. considering how well halloween hadn't gone, i knew getting your fairy costume on would be an uphill battle. the costume has basically a shirt and skirt. easy enough, right? i tried to get the top on first but you balked at first touch, so i showed you that i could put it on my head as well. this didn't convince you in the slightest, so i chose the rough and tumble technique. i grabbed you and as you wiggled and yelped i slipped it over your head and somehow got your arms in.  you were not happy. i quickly got the skirt on but in the mean time, you noticed the wings. the wings, small i must say, made from purple netting and a little wire (specifically with the purpose of safety in mind) scared the hell out of you and i almost lost my resolve to get this costume on you. i told you what a pretty dress you had on and how nice it looked all the while feeling i was just torturing you for no good reason. i suggested we get some milk (you love milk and it almost always brightens you up) you agreed but like a little koala you nuzzled in to my neck and insisted on not moving from that position. it was hard to drink the milk in that position but you wanted to stay as far away from the wings as possible (attached to your back). everytime you got a look at them out of the corner of your eye, you winced and began to whimper all over again. i think after some milk and a session in front of the mirror in which i told you several hundred times how pretty you were with your butterfly wings, you pulled youself together enough to go to nonno's house.

when we got there, your aunt, uncle, cousin, nonno and daddy were waiting for you.  they showered you with compliments and the wings stayed on for much longer than i could have ever imagined.

happy carnival sweetheart.

not a baby anymore

you're not a baby anymore.

you are currently dabbling in the new activity of pulling down your pants. i tell you about the yuckiness of peepee and poopoo, yet when it is time to change your diaper or try out the toilet you vehemently decline my invitations for participation.

if there is a song that goes along with an unpleasant activity, you somehow seem to relax and let me brush your teeth, dry your hair, or brush it.  i have yet to make up a 'going to the potty' song for fear that its catchiness will keep daddy and i singing it even when you are not around, i.e. at work or other potentially embarassing adult situations. in any case i need to do more research before charging ahead to the potty with you. in the meantime, we'll continue singing 'brusha little teeth'

Baby doll

Your favorite thing to externalize these days is 'NO', even when you don't mean it; which is a considerable amount. You have a gurlfriend body move you make with your no's which make them all the more infuriating. I mean you are not even two and you have major ATTITUDE. For which i guess i may be responsible- we gotta work on humility and respect girlfriend.  When you are not playing the naughty princess you are loving and happy. You serenade anyone who will listen and reply to daddy's i love you's with your own 'i lauv you daddy!'.

You are four and a half months shy of being two years old, 85 cm tall, and 10,5kg.

Daddy in spagna

The most significant absence in your life to date is daddy's. He left three days ago for a business trip in Sevilla and you seemed to be ok with it until last night. You cried more than usual before going to bed. The only words on your lips are 'daddy in spain/daddy in spagna.'

You didn't sleep one night through while daddy was gone. Not one night in six. Lucky me.

Sick

If someone were to stand outside our door and listen in on evening in our little family, for the past month all they'd hear is the sound of coughing.  first me then you then daddy then you again and me again. For christmas you had an eye infection, for new year's i had an eye infection. For the epiphany, daddy had a fever than nearly cooked his brain, and you followed suit three days later. I hate the winter, but most of all i hate the helpless feeling i get when i see your snotty nose and hear your phlegm filled coughs.  there is so little i can do to help you and ease your discomfort. I fantasize about the day when you'll understand what i mean when i say 'blow your nose' or when you'll willingly take medicine because you are too miserable to do otherwise. I also fantasize about when i'll have built up enough immune defenses to survive the colds and flus you bring home from school. For now though, i'll just fantasize about spring when january and february will be distant memories and the sun will warm our faces on a saturday afternoon in the park.