June 6th

June 6th started out just like any other day, in fact, it was the same as any other day except for just after dinner time. I showed you the photo album with the pictures from your first few weeks of life and when you decided halfway through that you no longer wanted to look at it, you kicked it out of my hands. I had pms that day, so this upset me quite a lot. You kicked hard enough that one picture fell off its page. I 'punished' you by putting you in the playpen while I glued the photo back in place. I calmed down, picked you up and told you not to kick anymore. I took you to your room to get you ready for bed. I noticed that you need a pedicure while changing your diaper and so when I finished with it, I went to cut your toenails. You kicked me in the jaw. This really made me upset and it hurt. I put my hand on your stomach to keep you from falling from the changing table and crouched down so you couldn't see me, and let the tears flow. You heard me though, and you started to cry too. I stood up again and tried to cut the nail that needed cutting and you kicked again. I lost it, and said in the most stern, calm, mean voice I could muster up 'stop kicking.' You froze and started to cry again. I finally finished, picked you up and hugged you and tried to explain that kicking is not ok. You are a baby, you don't know and can't be expected to know these things, but I lost my patience.

Luckily, Daddy came home soon after and we all got in bed to read a book together; and we were starting to feel better. When we finished, you crawled across the bed to me and laid down in my lap and put your hand on my leg. It was the first time ever that you showed affection to me all by yourself, without any one asking you to 'hug mommy, kiss daddy, fai caro al orsacchiotto'. It was the most amazing thing- on the same list of amazing things that includes you being born. I rubbed your back and cried quietly for the beauty of the moment, and smiled through tears at Daddy. I didn't want it to end, but after two or three minutes it was.

Needless to say, I felt like a sack of sh#? for having lost my patience with you, but this is not only your first time being a baby, it is also my first time being a mom, so we both have a lot to learn.